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You don't know my name
you don't know anything about me
I try to play nice
I want to be in your game
The things that you say
You may think I never hear about them
But word travels fast
I'm telling you to your face
I'm standing here behind your back

[Chorus:]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

If you could read my mind
You might see more of me that meets the eye
And you've been all wrong
Not who you think I am
You've never given me a chance

[Chorus:]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

Well, I'm tired of staying at home
I'm bored and alone
I'm sick of wasting all my time

[Chorus:] [2x]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in
 
 
 
 
 
 
Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.

I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.

I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.

Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.

I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.

And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen' that we all were on their side.

Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.
 
 
 
 
 
 
um.. yeah no feeling so well right now. Yeah I guess it is just a low spell. I just got off the phone with my youth pastor, pastor Chuck. Wow, was that perfect timing, I was having a serious uage to cut. He reminded me that there are people out there that do care and love me. Sometimes I think I make myself not see that. Without him I do not know where I would be right now. He has helped me through so many things without him and his family wow I would be well, in really bad shape. He prayed with me on the phone so I feel a little better. At least I don't feel like cutting right at this moment. I just hope I can make it through tonight. i'm going to see him tonight, he said he was going to check up on me. I'm glad because that may stop me from cutting. I love him so much because he has been such a great blessing on my life. I can see God working through him everytime I see him, talk, and recive e-mails from him. I am still having a really hard time but he has helped me to think about all the good things in my life and it helps to improve your mood. He prays for everyone but few people actually pray for pastors. I just want him to know that i am praying for him and love him so much.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Here is another entry for ya'll. I'm lost once again in my life i really just do not know where to turn. There are so many things I know I can do to ease the pain but I would have some very angry people on my back. i'm so tempted to do them. I just want something or someone to ease this pain. No one knows that I'm crashing again becasue I have not told anyone. I really don't want anyone to know except this jounal. Maybe someday I'll get brave and tell someone. I don't want anyone to judge me I already have had enough of that. I really don't know how much more of this I can handle. For once just please let me be me. I'm so tired of hiding and be fake but if it is what makes you happy I guess I'll have to go on like this. You may never know how much I am suffering so maybe that is why you wounder why I am and do the things I do. So please next time you see me please please do not judge me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I'll have to be honest I feel like crap right now. I am really depressed and feel like cutting myself, but don't tell anyone. I don't know what else to do. I can't even talk to people to much anymore. I make myself sick, I am a waste. I don't even know why people even like me. I'm at the point again in my life where I want to die and I want it now. I beyond crying I can't cry anymore. I need someone to love me, make me feel like I am worth something. I'm afraid I'm heading down the same raod I was once down. I know that is not good but there is nothing I can do to stop it.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Well, I just got back from YAC a youth summer camp. It was the greatest ever and I even came back hime in one piece. I miss my friends from camp but they all have myspaces so it all works. Nothing much to say at the moment I'll update later.